Too Many Choices Too Early
Do not answer a fool according to his own folly lest you be like him. Answer a fool according to his folly lest he be wise in his own eyes. Proverbs 26:4-5.
To be wise in your own eyes is not a compliment but a warning. Certainly for parents it is a warning that our actions may lead the fool or naïve ones (our children) to think themselves wise in their own eyes. That is, they think they posses a type of self-sufficient wisdom that they do not posses. Do you have a child who acts in his or her own eyes?
Scenario:
It’s breakfast time. You’re in the kitchen when four year old Jason enters the room. You just poured orange juice in the red cup, but, upon noticing it, Jason politely reminds you that his cup is the blue one with the starship. You smile and make the switch. He also informs you of his desire to have grape juice this morning instead of orange juice. No problem; both are healthy. You pour the orange juice in your glass and grape juice in his. As you begin to butter Jason’s toast, he decides that today he would like jam instead of butter. Well, that can be for you and putting another slice of toast in for Jason and putting jam on it is no big deal. After breakfast, it’s reading time and you say to Jason, “Sit here to my right and I will read you a story.” But Jason decides to sit on your left near the big pillow. Then you say, “Lets read this story today.” But Jason picks another story, his favorite, and off the two of you go for a fifteen minute adventure. After reading time, your son informs you, “Mom, I’m going to play on my swing set.” Okay,” says Mom. “Thanks for letting me know.”
So far the morning has been rather easy-no conflict or trials. At noontime, you instruct Jason to put away his toys and get ready for lunch and a short nap. Your instructions are met with a, “No, Mom. I’m going to have lunch later. I’m playing with my trucks now.” You respond by repeating your instructions with firmness, but Jason is equally firm about his opposition to those instructions. Soon your little tempest becomes a storm, and a small skirmish becomes an outright battle of the wills.
Frustrated and discouraged, you ask yourself the question: Why am I experiencing such behavior from my son? After all, have I not been fair with him all morning meeting his needs and desires? Why am I getting such resistance and defiance to my instructions?
By working through the following questions, we can start to piece together a pattern of behavior leading to conflict. Consider the following interaction. Who decided that it would be the blue cup and not the red cup? The child. Who decided it would be grape juice and not orange juice? The child. Who decided it would be jam instead of butter? Again, the child. Who decided where he would sit and what he would read? The child. Who decided what happened after reading time? The child. In the mind of the child, all day long at the tender age of four he has been making all the decisions for himself. And why not? In Jason’s mind, he has been deciding and ordering his life all day long.
- From the book of Growing Kids God’s Way
My Say :
This is one of the challenges of raising kids and is one of the mistakes that parent went through without even realizing it. Sometimes giving too many choices to a young child can lead to a self-centered child. When I had my first born, I remember at that young age I seldom give him choices most of the time it is me deciding almost everything. Slowly, as I journey my parenting, I began to realize that I do want him to learn making choices for himself even at a very young age only with a minimal choice. How about you? Are you a parent who gives too many choices or a parent who don’t allows choices at all?
I used to lean towards choices for the child until I had a couple more.
Then it became crazy confusing, so I now tell them across the board, “1 each is ALL!”
I’m a parent under construction… ;-P
Great post! Although I used to follow the Ezzos closely, 8 children has convinced me that they don’t have enough experience to be giving parenting advice (especially in regards to scheduling babies!).
However, when they stick to Biblical principles, they have good things to say. I found this post to be very thought provoking, and my experience bears it out.
sanmelmoma : Appreciate your thought. I guess most of us are a parents under construction.
Beth : Appreciate your visit and your comment. Having 8 children is a blessing.
Have you read shepherding a child’s heart? It put the same discussion into a spiritual perspective, more than the Ezzos. Like a previous poster, I tend to shy away from the strickness of the ezzos but I agree with the principles. By giving choices consistently, you are helping your child idolize themselves and their own desires over authority, sacrifice and selflessness. Check out the Tripp brothers and Ginger plowman. Great parenting books, saturated in the Word!
Rachel : Haven’t read that book. There are lots of parenting books outside there, and it can be quite confusing sometimes. I guess we parents just have to understand our own child and work from there and those parenting books can be part of the guidelines. Thanks Rachel for your thoughts.